Marital conflicts and its implications on the family

Introduction

Marriage is the process by which two people who love each other make the relationship public, official and permanent. It is the joining of two people in a bond that is expected to last until death, but in practice it is increasingly cut short by divorce (Sherif and Anderson, 2010). Of course, over the course of relationship that can last as many as seven (7) or eight (8) decades, a lot happens. Personalities change, bodies age, and romantic love waxes and wears. Marriage in most cases cannot be entirely is free of Conflict. What enables a couple to endure changes that may occur in a marriage is how they handle that conflict.

Marriage is a divine institution ordained by God (Oyedepo, 2004). According to her, God created marriage after man had named all the birds and all the animals; but not one of them was a suitable companion to help him. She also added that according to the Holy Bible, it was stated that “That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united with his wife, and they become one” Gen. 2: 24.

Conflict in marriage is as old as the marriage institution itself, since Adam according to the Bible accepted to eat of the fruit in order to avoid conflicts with the wife. Marital conflict or conflict in marriages is everybody’s affair and if not properly managed leads to more severe consequences.

According to Psychology Dictionary (2002), marital conflict can be defined as “The process of conflict arising between the two parties (husband and wife) in a marriage, which can indicate sexual disagreement, child minding differences, temperamental differences and even religious conflict of interests

Marital conflict is not just a difference in opinion. Rather, it can also be seen as a series of events that have been poorly managed or handled so as to deeply damage the marriage relationship (Laurence, 1988). Marriage issue can fester to the point that stubbornness, pride, anger, hurt and bitterness prevent effective marriage communication.

According to Rogers and Scott (1989), the root of almost all serious marital discord is selfishness on the part of one or both parties. Saving a marriage means rejecting selfishness, giving up pride, forgiving hurt and setting aside bitterness; these steps grow more difficult, so it is best to avoid the downward spiral of marital conflict.

In addition, they added that the best approach to making marriage work is to prevent marital conflict. Preparing for marriage should be aided by pre-marital counselling and courtship for both parties to understand themselves. If this does not take place, then marriage relationship counselling soon after the wedding can give couples basic marital conflict resolution strategies that can be used before marriage problems get out of hand.

Marriage is a relationship where trust is built over time as committed couples set aside their own interests for the good of their partner and develop skills for keeping the relationship positives and open.

Definition of marriage

Oftentimes aside the definition of marriage put forward by many researchers, scholars and in the Holy Bible, many people seems not to understand what it stands for, and that is why today all over the world, we hear of break-ups in marriages, having children out of wedlock, single parents, separations and so on.

According to Wallersteinn and Blackslee (2001), marriage (also known as matrimony or wedlock) is socially or spiritually recognized union between spouses that establishes rights and obligation between them. The definition of marriages varies according to different cultures, but it is principally an institution in which interpersonal relationships, usually intimate and sexual intercourse are acknowledged. In some cultures, marriages is recommended or considered to be compulsory before pursuing any sexual activity.

Klatte (2001) defined marriage is a conscious and deliberate union of two adults usually male and female with the purpose of starting a family, living together and raising children if available. In addition, she stated that marriage is usually between people who are in love with one another and who had decided to share everything (happiness, sorrow, pain, success, etc.) in their lives together.

Concept of marital conflicts

Malba (1981) defines marital conflict as the existence of high levels of disagreement, stress, hostile interactions, disrespect, and verbal abuse between spouses. Mark, Cummings and Patrick (1994) interprets it as any major or minor interpersonal interaction that involve a difference of opinion, whether it has mostly negative or even mostly positive.

They further elaborated that everyday mental conflict refers to daily interactions, whether major or minor, in which couples have a difference of opinion. Thus every day, mental conflicts include a range of tactical and emotional expressions, positive and negative. Mental aggression is on the negative extreme of a continuum of marital conflict which involves ranging degrees of violent behaviours, including both verbal and physical acts. Definitions of conflict that assume the interdependence of individuals make note of the presence of difference between the two parties.

In addition, they explain conflict as a situation in which interdependent people express (manifest or latest) differences in satisfying their individual needs and interests, and they experience inference from each other in accomplishing these goals. Likewise James and Linda (2004) state that conflicts arise when difference between two or more people necessitate a change in at least one person in order for their engagement to confine and develop. The differences cannot co-exist without some adjustment.

Based on these definitions, differences between partners may not ‘coexist’ without resolution. It is based on this premise that conflict is evitable and valuable aspect of all human association with the use of coercion, including force and violence, as a tactic for resolving conflicts being harmful.

Causes of marital conflicts

There are a number of various factors which if not properly handled can fuel serious marital conflicts and in turn lead to divorce. According to Kim (2013), the most common factors among others are;

1. Money problem: Most couples argue over bills, debt, spending, and other financial issues. How you decide to deal with money problems in your marriage will determine whether those problems have negative or positive effect on your marriage.
2. Children: Discipline, diet, and other parenting issues can be of disagreement between couples. A child is the number stressor in a marriage and can accentuate differences in beliefs on issues like how to discipline, who is responsible for most of the child care or what educational options to choose.
3. Sex: Disagreement on sexual intercourse in terms of its frequency, quantity, quality, and infidelity are all common sign of stress and disharmony in marriages.
4. Time apart: Time apart and a lack of quality time together serves to get people out of sync with each other.
5. Household responsibilities: Many couples argue over equitable distribution of household work, and how to do it. Instead of sitting down and dividing household chores fairly they quibble over who did or did not do what.
6. Friends: Not all friends are helpful to relationship some of them are toxic. Be sure you know the difference between a friend who will enhance your relationship and one who will break it down.
7. Limitations habit: Many people are married to someone who has one or more habits they find limitations and intolerable. Statements like this are common; my ex never got angry with me. I ask him once why and hold him. He responded by telling me he loved everything about me”. This has started before he decided he no longer loved me. So do not be afraid to point out habits that vitiate you, just be sure you do it in a non- defensive way.
8. Family: Families, sibling, children and step-children can all create a web of stress within a marriage. When coping with negative issues because of family step gently. Our spouse should come first but there are times you have to be willing to take a back seal and bite your tongue.
9. Expectations: We all go into marriage with certain expectations. Most of the time, marriage is the opposite of what we expected. We romanticize marriage and become disillusioned once these romantic expectations are not met. Unmet expectations are a major source of conflict in marriages.
10. Personality conflict: Is your personality running your marriage? There are personal traits that can choose a marriage to failure. Are a conflict avoider? Do you bind over backwards to please your spouse neglecting your needs in the process? If you answered yes to any of these, you need to work on changing these negative personality traits.

Consequences of marital conflicts on the couples

Men and women work so hard on relationships anticipating being happy and fulfilled in the marriage bond with their spouses. This is true only to the extent that love, hope and work on sustaining that marriage is concerned. In the presence of a marital conflict love is diminished and the spouses often cease to work harmoniously for the marriage. Soon such couples enter a painful phase of their lives where they struggle with and stress one another. Marriage is meant to bring about satisfaction and fulfilment that was absent previously.

The presence of conflict often derails the course of marriage ultimately inflicting negative emotions such as anger, bitterness and even hatred. If the conflict is not resolved marital satisfaction is threatened by estrangement, separation and even by dissolution as in divorce. Marriage provides a perfect seedbed for conflict because it brings together two people born and raised in different circumstance and environments to live together. It makes sense that, “conflict is born of dissimilarities, which may be passing in form of moods, or lasting in the form of beliefs and personality,” (Stephanie, 1995). In heterosexual marriage, the difference in gender, the genetic inheritance, the growth years with different influencers and caregivers all presupposes different personalities of the spouses.

The presence of conflict undermines the socialization of the spouses with one another. More often than not disagreements that were easily overlooked previously are taken out of proportion. If none of the spouses is willing to forgive the other, grudges are let to accumulate and this adds to stress that the couple has. When a couple fail to resolve its conflict and escalation reaches its peak level it results into gross marital unhappiness. Such relationships are now “disappointing, threatening or even harmful.  The spouses feel unattached and out of control. They do not sense love, have little faith and hope, and have little motivation to work,” (Tamlian and Limsiew, 2008).

Spouses who find themselves in this predicament are often moody, do not cooperate with one another and even feel trapped in the marriage. Other than being lovers, they end up becoming antagonists. It is likely that they act in selfish ways, more often than not with the aim of frustrating one another. At some point a power struggle may consume them such that they only see and cling to their own viewpoint. Some of the partners now result in attacks and counter attacks and aggressive reactions towards one another. Jude, (1972) reports the account of a male client who became wife batterer as follows: “With regard to mutual violence, the informant described a wife who used a good deal of verbal aggression. He described his wife as one who used little or no reasoning in conflict resolution, saying she “takes everything to the extreme instead of trying to solve problems in a normal, calm way.” He described how he often left early for work just to get away from her “nagging”. If we were to embrace this account on face value, then we would empathize with this husband as one who resulted to battering his wife to stop her verbal abuse. We however know that two wrongs do not make a right. Rather we know that both the verbal abuse and the physical abuse were effects of devaluing one another in the midst of unresolved marital conflict. We even realize the male was a domineering, depressed and brutal husband. This case illustrates aspects of resultant mental health consequences where the wife regretting being used as a door-mat by her husband was so depressed that she resulted in cursing him off. On the other hand the effect of denial for sex, coupled with unpleasant expressions from a wife who felt unloved and unappreciated led this husband to become homicidal. Causes like the one foregoing have led spouses to initiate marital separation culminating in dissolution or divorce. In the process of marital conflict and all its effects, the couple and the entire family is obviously very unproductive.

Effects of the marital on children

Carl (2011) says that marital conflicts introduce a massive change into the life of a boy or a girl no matter the age. Witnessing loss of love between parents, having parents break up their marriage commitment will create a challenging new family circumstance in which to live. Basically, marital conflicts tend to intensify the child dependence and it often tends to accelerate the adolescent’s independence. It often elicits a more regressive response in the child and more aggressive response in the adolescent.

For the young child, marital conflict shakes trust and independency on parents who now behave in an extremely undependable way. Research has established that children from homes with frequent occurrence of marital conflicts are at a higher for adjustment problems than children from intact families. For children from troubled marriages experience less financial security, low academic achievement, more alcohol and cigarette abuse because of depression and lower rates of employment as young adults.

McLanahan (1999) also stated some implications of marital conflicts on the health of children below;

1. At fault: For some reasons, children may believe the marital conflict is their fault; caused by something they said or did not and feel a deep sense of guilt and shame.
2. Rejection: Children of troubled homes may feel rejected and unloved by the parent who had left.
3. Insecure and afraid of the future: A child sense of insecurity may make them fear the future about ‘what’s next?” will we be poor? Will I have to go to a new school? In short, they will fret about all the things that are important in their world.

Developmental consideration in the response of children

A major focus of the scholarly literature on marital conflict is the grouping of common reaction of children by age groups as discussed by Wallerstain (2008)

Preschool (ages 3 – 5): These children are likely to exhibit a regression of the most recent developmental milestone achieved. Alternatively, sleep disturbance and an exacerbation, fear of separation from the custodial parent are common.

Early latency (ages 6 — 8): These children will often openly grieve for the discord among their parents. There is a noted pre-occupation with fantasies that is associated with reaction of this age group; children have replacement or fantasies that their parents will be living happily again in the not-so-distant future. Children in this developmental stage have an especially difficult time with marital conflicts.

Late latency (ages 8 — 11): Anger and a feeling of powerlessness are the predominant emotional response in this age group like the developmental stages, the children experiences a grief reaction to the loss of love between their parents. There is a greater tendency to label a ‘good” and a “bad” parent and these children are very susceptible to attempting to take care of a parent at the response of their own needs. The negative effect of marital conflict on children depends on the age and sex of the child at that time.

Solutions to marital conflicts and its implications

To find a solution to marital problem is not easy by any means. One possibility way is to extend research into marriage counselling, increasing levels of training for marriage counsellors will give parents someone with education and insight into family relationships to assist them in times of disagreement. Constructing the field of marriage into a more prestigious role will more than likely increase the number of marriage counsellors throughout the world. An increase in the number of therapists will improve the availability of help for troubled families.

Discussing their problems in a comfortable productive setting will do wonders for a family on with marital conflicts. Education is also necessary to deal with this problem. People must learn how to communicate with their spouses and compromise when it is needed. Men and women need to be careful when mate selection is considered to ensure that they will have full compatibility with each other. When a couple marries, they must learn to be tolerant of each other’s behaviour and learn how to express themselves productively to see the stress causing by raising a family.

Another possible solution would be to have the government set up more marriage or family oriented classes in high schools and colleges around the country. The research regarding marital conflict must be shown to young adults in order for them to understand what the bond of marriage is supposed to mean. People should be more educated about the lasting effects that marital conflicts can have on them and their children (Amato and Rogers, 1997).

References

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Carl, P. T. (2011). The Effect of Marital Conflicts on Young Children and Adolescents. Retrieved from www.psychologytaday.com on April 10th, 2014.

James, I. & Linda, J. (2004). Marital Conflict in Older Couples: Positive Personality and Health. Journal of Marriage and Family. Vol. 76; Issue 1.

Jude, B. (1972). It is Not the End of The World. New York, Bradbury Press.

Kim, O. (2013). Causes of Marital Conflicts. Huffington Post. New Jersey.

Stephanie, M. (1995). Parents at Logged-Head; Success Strategies for Raising Your Children. New York. William Morrow & Co.

Klatte, W.C. (2001). Live Away Dads: Staying A Part from Your Children’s Live When They Aren’t A Part of Your Home. Washington Post. New York.

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Mark, E.; Cumming, D. & Patrick, T. (1994). Children and Marital Conflict. The Impact of Family Dispute and Resolution. West Virginia. Guilford Press.

Mchanahan, A. & Sandefur, C. (1994). Implication of Marital Conflicts on the Health of Children. from www.apa.org>home Retrieved  on May 4^th, 2014.

Oyedepo, F. (2004). Making Marriage Work: Explaining Secrets of A Successful Marriage; Lagos. Dominion Books.

Psychology Dictionary (2002). Marital Conflict. page 582 6^th Edition Longman. Luton.

Rogers, F. & Scott, B. (1989). Getting Together- Building a Relationship That Gets the Yes. New York, NY Viking Penguin.

Sheriff, G. & Ryan, T. (2010). What is Marriage? Man and Woman. A Defence (Paper Back)New York. NY State University Publisher.

Tamlian, C. & Limsiew, G. (2008). A Study of Marital Conflict on Measures of Social Support and Mental Health. Summer University College Journal; Vol 13: 8.

Wallersteinn, J. (2008). The Child and the Vicissitudes of Marital Conflicts. Retrieved (2013 – 10 – 14) from www.psychologytody.com/blog/co.

Wallersteinn, J. & Blackslee, S. (2001). The Unexpected Legacy of Marital Conflict; A 25 Years Landmark Study. Laren BM.