The
Challenge
Are
you and your spouse unable to discuss things calmly? Does it feel as if you are
always walking through a minefield in which any step could set off an explosive
dispute?
you and your spouse unable to discuss things calmly? Does it feel as if you are
always walking through a minefield in which any step could set off an explosive
dispute?
If
so, be assured that things can
improve. But first you need to find out why you and your spouse
argue so much.
so, be assured that things can
improve. But first you need to find out why you and your spouse
argue so much.
Why
It Happens
Misunderstandings.
A
wife named Jillian
admits: “Sometimes I say something to my husband and it doesn’t come out as I
intended. Or I am convinced that I told him something, when I really only dreamed that I
told him. That’s actually happened!”
wife named Jillian
admits: “Sometimes I say something to my husband and it doesn’t come out as I
intended. Or I am convinced that I told him something, when I really only dreamed that I
told him. That’s actually happened!”
Differences.
No
matter how compatible you and your spouse may seem to be, your views on some
matters will differ. Why? Because no two people are exactly alike—a fact
that can add either variety or tension to marriage. For many couples, the
result is tension.
matter how compatible you and your spouse may seem to be, your views on some
matters will differ. Why? Because no two people are exactly alike—a fact
that can add either variety or tension to marriage. For many couples, the
result is tension.
Poor
role models.
“My
parents argued a lot and made disrespectful comments to each other,” says a
wife named Rachel, “so when I got married I talked to my husband the way my
mother talked to my father. I had not learned how to show respect.”
parents argued a lot and made disrespectful comments to each other,” says a
wife named Rachel, “so when I got married I talked to my husband the way my
mother talked to my father. I had not learned how to show respect.”
Deeper
concerns.
Often,
a fiery argument is really about something other than the event that ignited
it. For example, a dispute that starts with “You’re always late!” may not be
about the need for punctuality but about one spouse feeling that he or she has
been treated inconsiderately.
a fiery argument is really about something other than the event that ignited
it. For example, a dispute that starts with “You’re always late!” may not be
about the need for punctuality but about one spouse feeling that he or she has
been treated inconsiderately.
Whatever
the cause, frequent arguing can adversely affect your health and can even be a
predictor of eventual divorce. How, then, can you stop arguing?
the cause, frequent arguing can adversely affect your health and can even be a
predictor of eventual divorce. How, then, can you stop arguing?
What
You Can Do
A
key to preventing arguments is identifying the underlying issues that fuel
them. When things are calm, try the following exercise with your spouse.
key to preventing arguments is identifying the underlying issues that fuel
them. When things are calm, try the following exercise with your spouse.
1.
On
separate sheets of paper, each of you should write down the topic of a recent
argument. For example, a husband might write, “You spent the whole day with
your friends and didn’t call me to tell me where you were.” A wife might write,
“You got upset because I spent time with my friends.”
On
separate sheets of paper, each of you should write down the topic of a recent
argument. For example, a husband might write, “You spent the whole day with
your friends and didn’t call me to tell me where you were.” A wife might write,
“You got upset because I spent time with my friends.”
2.
With an
open mind, discuss the following: Was the matter really that serious? Could it
have been overlooked? In some cases, for the sake of peace, it may suffice to
agree to disagree and to cover over the matter with love.
With an
open mind, discuss the following: Was the matter really that serious? Could it
have been overlooked? In some cases, for the sake of peace, it may suffice to
agree to disagree and to cover over the matter with love.
If
you and your spouse conclude that the matter was trivial, apologize to each
other and consider it settled.
you and your spouse conclude that the matter was trivial, apologize to each
other and consider it settled.
If
the matter seems more serious to one or both of you, proceed to the next step.
the matter seems more serious to one or both of you, proceed to the next step.
3.
Write
down how you felt during the argument, and have your spouse do the same. For
example, a husband might write, “I felt that you preferred the company of your
friends over my company.” A wife might write, “I felt that you were treating me
as if I were a child who had to check in with her father.”
Write
down how you felt during the argument, and have your spouse do the same. For
example, a husband might write, “I felt that you preferred the company of your
friends over my company.” A wife might write, “I felt that you were treating me
as if I were a child who had to check in with her father.”
4.
Swap
papers with your spouse, and read each other’s comments. What was your spouse’s
deeper concern during the argument? Discuss what each of you could have done
differently to address the underlying issues without arguing.
Swap
papers with your spouse, and read each other’s comments. What was your spouse’s
deeper concern during the argument? Discuss what each of you could have done
differently to address the underlying issues without arguing.
5.
Discuss
what you learned from this exercise. How can you use what you learned to solve
or prevent a future argument?
Discuss
what you learned from this exercise. How can you use what you learned to solve
or prevent a future argument?
