The
Challenge
Your
teenager says you are too strict. Your instincts tell you otherwise. ‘If I
relax the rules,’ you say to yourself, ‘he will just get into trouble!’
teenager says you are too strict. Your instincts tell you otherwise. ‘If I
relax the rules,’ you say to yourself, ‘he will just get into trouble!’
You
can set reasonable rules for your teenager. First, though, you need to
understand what might be causing him to chafe against the rules in the first
place.
can set reasonable rules for your teenager. First, though, you need to
understand what might be causing him to chafe against the rules in the first
place.
Why
It Happens
Myth:
All
teenagers rebel against rules; it’s an unavoidable part of adolescence.
All
teenagers rebel against rules; it’s an unavoidable part of adolescence.
Fact:
A
teenager is less likely to rebel when parents set reasonable rules and discuss
them with him.
A
teenager is less likely to rebel when parents set reasonable rules and discuss
them with him.
Although
a number of factors may be involved in rebellion, parents may unwittingly
encourage it if their rules are inflexible or no longer age appropriate.
Consider the following:
a number of factors may be involved in rebellion, parents may unwittingly
encourage it if their rules are inflexible or no longer age appropriate.
Consider the following:
- Inflexible.
When
parents lay down the law and there is no room for discussion, rules become
more like a straitjacket that stifles the teen rather than a seat belt
that protects him. As a result, he may secretly engage in the very acts
that his parents forbid.
- No
longer age appropriate. “Because I said so” may be
enough explanation for a young child, but adolescents need more—they
need reasons. After all, in the near future, your teenager may be living
on his own and making weighty decisions. It’s far better that he learn to
reason well and make good decisions now, while he’s still under your
supervision.
But what
can you do if your teenager constantly seems to be irritated by your rules?
can you do if your teenager constantly seems to be irritated by your rules?
What
You Can Do
First,
realize that teenagers need—and deep down even want—boundaries. So set rules, and make sure your
teenager understands them. “When adolescents are given clear
boundaries and expect a reasonable amount of parental supervision, they are
less likely to engage in worrisome behaviors,” says the book Letting Go With Love and
Confidence. In contrast, uninvolved parents who grant their
teenagers too much freedom give the impression that they do not care. And that
is a recipe for rebellion.
realize that teenagers need—and deep down even want—boundaries. So set rules, and make sure your
teenager understands them. “When adolescents are given clear
boundaries and expect a reasonable amount of parental supervision, they are
less likely to engage in worrisome behaviors,” says the book Letting Go With Love and
Confidence. In contrast, uninvolved parents who grant their
teenagers too much freedom give the impression that they do not care. And that
is a recipe for rebellion.
How,
then, can you show balance? Let
your teenager express himself about family rules. For example,
if he asks for an adjustment to his curfew, listen to him as he presents his
case. A teenager who knows that he has been fully heard is more likely to
respect and comply with the decision you make—even if he does not agree
with it.
then, can you show balance? Let
your teenager express himself about family rules. For example,
if he asks for an adjustment to his curfew, listen to him as he presents his
case. A teenager who knows that he has been fully heard is more likely to
respect and comply with the decision you make—even if he does not agree
with it.
Before
making a decision, though, remember this: While teenagers tend to ask for more
freedom than they should have, parents may tend to grant less freedom than they
could. So give
serious consideration to your teenager’s request. Has he
demonstrated that he is responsible? Do the circumstances warrant a concession?
Be willing to bend when appropriate.
making a decision, though, remember this: While teenagers tend to ask for more
freedom than they should have, parents may tend to grant less freedom than they
could. So give
serious consideration to your teenager’s request. Has he
demonstrated that he is responsible? Do the circumstances warrant a concession?
Be willing to bend when appropriate.
Besides
listening to your teenager’s feelings, make sure that you let your teenager know your concerns as
well. By doing so, you may teach him to consider not only his wishes but also
the feelings of others.
listening to your teenager’s feelings, make sure that you let your teenager know your concerns as
well. By doing so, you may teach him to consider not only his wishes but also
the feelings of others.
Finally,
make a decision
and explain your reasons for it. Even if he is not thrilled
with the decision, likely he is glad to have parents who will hear him out.
Remember, an adolescent is an adult in training. By setting reasonable rules
and discussing them with your teenager, you will help him grow to become a
responsible adult.
make a decision
and explain your reasons for it. Even if he is not thrilled
with the decision, likely he is glad to have parents who will hear him out.
Remember, an adolescent is an adult in training. By setting reasonable rules
and discussing them with your teenager, you will help him grow to become a
responsible adult.
