When someone you care about is in recovery, your words can make a real impact—for better or worse. Even with good intentions, the wrong comments can trigger shame, guilt, or discouragement. Addiction recovery is a deeply personal and often painful process, and support needs to be rooted in respect, not judgment.
If you want to be a true ally in someone’s recovery, knowing what not to say is just as important as knowing what to say. Here’s a helpful, people-first guide to what to avoid—and why.
1. “I know exactly how you feel.”
Unless you’ve been through addiction and recovery yourself, you don’t. Even if you’ve struggled in similar ways, no two journeys are alike.
Why it’s unhelpful:
It can come off as dismissive, like you’re minimizing their experience by shifting focus to your own.
What to say instead:
“I can’t fully understand what you’re going through, but I care and I’m here for you.”
2. “You don’t look like an addict.”
This may seem like a compliment, but it’s loaded with harmful assumptions about what addiction “looks like.”
Why it’s unhelpful:
It reinforces stereotypes and implies that people in recovery should appear a certain way—which contributes to stigma.
What to say instead:
Nothing about someone’s appearance needs to be tied to their recovery. Focus on how they feel, not how they look.
3. “Are you sure you’re not overreacting?”
Addiction often involves trauma, mental health issues, and deep emotional wounds. Recovery requires people to take their emotions seriously—sometimes for the first time in years.
Why it’s unhelpful:
It invalidates their feelings and can discourage them from being open in the future.
What to say instead:
“It’s okay to feel what you’re feeling. Do you want to talk about it?”
4. “You used to be so much fun.”
Comments like this can feel like subtle guilt trips. They suggest the person was more enjoyable when using—ignoring the pain they were likely experiencing.
Why it’s unhelpful:
It romanticizes the past and can unintentionally glamorize addiction, which is dangerous.
What to say instead:
“I’m proud of the progress you’ve made. Let’s find new ways to have fun together.”
5. “Can’t you just have one?”
No, they can’t. Recovery means abstaining completely—not moderating. This kind of comment is dismissive and potentially triggering.
Why it’s unhelpful:
It downplays the seriousness of addiction and can make someone feel misunderstood or tempted.
What to say instead:
“How can I support your choices when we’re out together?” That shows respect and effort.
6. “It’s been a while—aren’t you over it yet?”
Addiction isn’t a cold you recover from in a week. It’s a chronic condition that requires ongoing attention and support, often for life.
Why it’s unhelpful:
It creates pressure to “move on,” when real recovery is about staying present and vigilant, not forgetting the past.
What to say instead:
“You’ve come so far. I admire how committed you are to your recovery.”
7. “Why didn’t you just stop?”
This question implies that addiction is a choice or a simple lack of willpower. It isn’t.
Why it’s unhelpful:
It ignores the biological, psychological, and social factors that contribute to substance use disorders.
What to say instead:
“I’m learning more about addiction. It’s not easy—thank you for trusting me to be part of your journey.”
8. “Do you think you’ll relapse?”
Asking this puts someone on the defensive and adds pressure. Most people in recovery already think about relapse more than they want to.
Why it’s unhelpful:
It can feed fear, shame, or anxiety—and it’s not your place to predict or pressure.
What to say instead:
“If you ever need support during a tough time, I’m here. No judgment.”
9. “You’re not like those addicts.”
This might sound like praise, but it reinforces harmful “us vs. them” thinking. Recovery is hard for everyone, no matter how their addiction looked on the outside.
Why it’s unhelpful:
It promotes stigma and can create a false sense of superiority that isolates others.
What to say instead:
“You’ve shown a lot of strength. Recovery looks different for everyone, and I respect your path.”
10. “You owe it to your family to stay clean.”
Pressure and guilt are not healthy motivators. Recovery has to be for the person themselves—not to meet someone else’s expectations.
Why it’s unhelpful:
It creates external pressure instead of supporting internal motivation. It can also worsen feelings of shame if they slip.
What to say instead:
“You matter. Your health and happiness are worth fighting for.”
How to Support Without Causing Harm
Being a solid support system doesn’t mean you have to say the perfect thing every time. It means being present, listening without judgment, and learning from your mistakes.
Here’s what helps most:
- Use person-first language. Say “a person in recovery” rather than labels like “addict.”
- Ask instead of assuming. Every recovery journey is different.
- Listen more than you talk. Sometimes just being there is enough.
- Educate yourself. Learn about addiction and recovery so you can show up informed.
- Offer patience. Healing is not linear, and everyone moves at their own pace.
Final Thought: Lead With Respect, Not Rescue
People in recovery don’t need to be fixed. They need to be seen, heard, and supported. What you say—or don’t say—can help create a space where healing feels possible, and where they feel human, not defined by their past.
So when in doubt, lead with empathy. Let them know you care, you’re learning, and you’re in their corner—for the long haul. That’s what real support looks like.
