I remember sitting in my office late one night, surrounded by research transcripts, when it hit me: we spend so much time measuring, categorizing, and analyzing ourselves, but the real question is whether we’re brave enough to be seen in all our complexity. That thought has stayed with me through years of research on shame, vulnerability, and connection. Today, I want to explore with you three interconnected dimensions of our human experience that both fascinate and challenge us: emotional intelligence, personality, and social intelligence.
The Vulnerability of Emotional Intelligence
Let me tell you a story that changed how I think about emotions. During a research interview, a woman I’ll call Sarah described growing up in a household where emotions were treated like unwelcome guests. “We didn’t do feelings,” she said with a sad laugh. “My dad would say, ‘Get it together’ whenever I cried, and my mom would change the subject when conversations got too emotional.”
By the time Sarah reached adulthood, she had become what she called “emotionally colorblind” – unable to identify her feelings or understand others’. She had developed incredible analytical skills but struggled in relationships. When she took an emotional intelligence test at work, her low score triggered a shame storm that eventually led her to therapy.
This is what I’ve found in my research: EQ isn’t just another metric for comparison and self-judgment. At its heart, emotional intelligence is about the courage to be emotionally honest – with ourselves first, and then with others.
The Truth About EQ Tests
Emotional intelligence assessments like the MSCEIT, EQ-i, or Genos EI measure our ability to recognize emotions, understand their causes and consequences, and manage them effectively. They quantify capabilities like:
- Emotional awareness (identifying your own emotions)
- Emotional regulation (managing those emotions)
- Social perception (recognizing others’ emotions)
- Empathy (understanding others’ perspectives)
- Relationship management (navigating emotional dynamics)
But here’s what these tests don’t tell you on the scoresheet: developing emotional intelligence requires vulnerability. It means being willing to feel uncomfortable emotions instead of numbing them. It means acknowledging when you’re hurt, afraid, or ashamed, rather than armoring up with anger or detachment.
I’ve interviewed hundreds of people with high emotional intelligence, and what sets them apart isn’t some innate ability – it’s their willingness to practice emotional courage daily. They choose authenticity over perfection. They prioritize connection over protection.
The Practice of Emotional Wholeness
If you’re thinking about developing your emotional intelligence, consider these wholehearted practices that go beyond what any test can measure:
- Name it to tame it: Practice identifying specific emotions beyond “good,” “bad,” “fine,” or “stressed.” Are you disappointed? Resentful? Hopeful? Proud? Expanding your emotional vocabulary expands your self-awareness.
- Track your emotional triggers: Notice patterns in what consistently activates your shame, fear, or anger. These are gold mines for self-understanding.
- Practice emotion regulation, not suppression: The goal isn’t to eliminate difficult emotions but to experience them without being overwhelmed or controlled by them.
- Develop emotional boundaries: Understand the difference between empathy (feeling with someone) and taking on their emotional state. You can care deeply without carrying others’ emotional burdens.
Remember: The point isn’t to score better on an EQ test. The point is to live more wholeheartedly by developing your capacity for authentic connection – starting with connecting to yourself.
The Mythology of Personality
“I’m such an INFJ.” “That’s such a Type A thing to say.” “Well, I’m a high C on the DISC, so I need more details.” “My Enneagram 2 wing is showing.”
Sound familiar? We’ve developed an entire language around personality typologies, and for good reason. These frameworks give us ways to understand ourselves and others, to normalize our differences, and to find our people – those who see the world through similar lenses.
But in my research on belonging, I’ve noticed something concerning: how often we use personality types as both armor and weapon. We hide behind them (“I can’t speak up in meetings; I’m an introvert”) or use them to dismiss others (“He’s just being a typical Type 8”).
The Double-Edged Sword of Personality Tests
The Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, the Big Five, the Enneagram, DISC, and countless other assessments have helped millions better understand their preferences, tendencies, and patterns. At their best, these tools foster self-awareness and compassion. They help us recognize that someone isn’t being difficult on purpose – they simply process information or make decisions differently than we do.
What troubles me, though, is how easily personality typologies can become another form of what I call “fitting in” rather than true belonging. We take these tests hoping they’ll tell us who we are, as if our personalities were fixed, immutable aspects of our identity rather than patterns that evolved in response to our environments and experiences.
In research interviews, I’ve heard people say things like:
- “I just don’t volunteer for leadership roles because I’m an introvert.”
- “I can’t be expected to remember birthdays or anniversaries. I’m a ‘big picture’ person.”
- “We broke up because our attachment styles were incompatible.”
Notice how these statements contain a subtle abdication of responsibility, as if personality determines destiny.
The Truth About Personality
Here’s what decades of research actually tell us about personality:
- Personality exists on continuums, not in categories. Few of us are pure introverts or extroverts, thinkers or feelers. Most of us fall somewhere in the middle of these spectrums and shift depending on context.
- Personality is relatively stable but not fixed. While our core tendencies may remain consistent, psychological research shows that personality changes throughout life, particularly during young adulthood and after major life transitions.
- Personality is expressed differently across contexts. The “you” that shows up at work may differ substantially from the “you” that shows up with old friends or with family.
- Personality development requires both acceptance and growth. True self-acceptance isn’t about saying “This is just how I am,” but rather “This is where I start from.”
The wholehearted approach to personality isn’t about finding your type and staying in that lane. It’s about understanding your natural tendencies while challenging yourself to develop in areas that matter to you – even when that development feels uncomfortable.
Beyond the Four-Letter Code
If you’re interested in personality development rather than just personality assessment, consider these practices:
- Question your limitations: Notice when you use personality as an excuse rather than an explanation. Challenge yourself: “Is it really impossible for me to do this, or just outside my comfort zone?”
- Explore your shadow traits: Many personality frameworks identify growth areas or “shadow aspects.” These are the parts of ourselves we’ve neglected or rejected but need to integrate for wholeness.
- Practice personality flexibility: Intentionally step into different ways of being in safe contexts. If you’re naturally reserved, practice speaking up in low-stakes situations. If you’re typically analytical, experiment with leading with emotion sometimes.
- Develop personality compassion: Use your understanding of personality differences to cultivate curiosity rather than judgment when others’ approaches differ from yours.
Remember that the ultimate goal isn’t to contort yourself into someone you’re not. It’s to become more fully yourself – the self that isn’t limited by habitual patterns but can draw on a full range of human capacities as needed.
The Courage of Social Intelligence
A few years ago, I was having coffee with a brilliant colleague who had just been passed over for a promotion. “I don’t understand,” she said. “I have two advanced degrees. I publish regularly. My technical skills are impeccable.”
What she didn’t see – but her colleagues did – was how her interactions left people feeling diminished rather than valued. She could solve complex problems but struggled with the human elements of leadership: building trust, navigating conflict, fostering collaboration, and creating psychological safety.
This is the domain of social intelligence – our ability to navigate social contexts effectively, build meaningful relationships, and collaborate successfully with others. And in many ways, it’s the most challenging intelligence to develop because it requires constant vulnerability and a willingness to receive feedback that might trigger shame.
The Myth of Social Skills Training
Many organizations offer training programs aimed at developing social intelligence: active listening workshops, conflict resolution seminars, team-building exercises. These can be valuable, but they often focus on techniques rather than the deeper work required for true social intelligence.
In my research, I’ve found that social intelligence isn’t primarily about mastering a set of skills. It’s about developing the courage to:
- Show up authentically rather than performing or people-pleasing
- Remain curious rather than defensive when social interactions become difficult
- Accept feedback without letting it define your worth
- Navigate difference with respect rather than judgment
- Repair relationships when harm has occurred
These capabilities don’t develop through technique-focused training alone. They require emotional intelligence (understanding your own reactions and others’ emotions) and personality awareness (recognizing how your natural tendencies influence your interactions). But they also require something more: the willingness to be imperfect in relationship with others.
The Practice of Braving Connection
In my work on trust, I use the acronym BRAVING to describe the elements of trust-building that form the foundation of social intelligence:
- Boundaries: Respecting your own boundaries and others’
- Reliability: Doing what you say you’ll do
- Accountability: Owning mistakes and making amends
- Vault: Keeping confidences
- Integrity: Choosing courage over comfort
- Nonjudgment: Creating space for emotions without judgment
- Generosity: Extending the most generous interpretation of others’ actions and intentions
Developing these capabilities requires practice – and will inevitably involve stumbling. In fact, the most socially intelligent people I’ve studied aren’t those who navigate relationships perfectly. They’re those who repair skillfully when they mess up.
Cultivating Social Courage
If you’re working on developing your social intelligence, consider these practices:
- Seek feedback from trusted others: Ask people who care about you to share honestly how your communication and behavior impact them.
- Focus on connection, not impression management: In social situations, shift your attention from “How am I being perceived?” to “How can I connect authentically?”
- Practice perspective-taking: Regularly ask yourself, “What might this situation look like from their perspective?” Develop your capacity to see beyond your own experience.
- Learn to navigate difficult conversations: Develop skills for addressing conflicts, setting boundaries, and giving feedback in ways that preserve connection.
- Build relationship repair rituals: Have go-to approaches for acknowledging harm, taking responsibility, making amends, and moving forward after interpersonal ruptures.
The Integration of Multiple Intelligences
Here’s what I’ve learned through years of research on these topics: emotional intelligence, personality awareness, and social intelligence aren’t separate domains. They’re interconnected dimensions of what it means to be fully human in relationship with others.
Emotional intelligence gives us access to our internal landscape. Personality awareness helps us understand our patterns and preferences. Social intelligence enables us to build meaningful connections with others. Together, they form the foundation for what I call wholehearted living – showing up authentically, navigating vulnerability courageously, and connecting deeply with others.
Beyond Testing: The Practice of Self-Discovery
While tests and assessments can provide valuable information about these domains, true development happens through practice, reflection, and feedback – not through assessment alone.
Consider creating your own integration practice:
- Daily reflection: Take a few minutes each day to notice your emotional states, how your personality tendencies showed up, and the quality of your connections with others.
- Regular feedback: Create structures for receiving honest feedback from people you trust about your impact on others.
- Intentional growth: Identify specific aspects of emotional, personality, or social intelligence you want to develop, and create small, daily practices to strengthen these areas.
- Compassionate accountability: Hold yourself accountable for growth without shame or perfectionism. Acknowledge progress while continuing to identify areas for development.
The Wholehearted Integration
Through all my research on shame, vulnerability, courage, and connection, one truth consistently emerges: we are hardwired for connection. Our brains, bodies, and spirits thrive when we’re in authentic relationship with others and ourselves.
Emotional intelligence, personality, and social intelligence aren’t just professional competencies or interesting aspects of psychology. They’re pathways to the connection we all crave – connection that requires courage, vulnerability, and practice.
The question isn’t whether you can score highly on an EQ test, find the perfect personality type, or master every social skill. The question is whether you’re willing to show up imperfectly, learn continuously, and connect authentically – even when it feels uncomfortable.
Because here’s what we know: the courage to be vulnerable – to be seen in all your complexity – is the birthplace of love, belonging, and joy. And no assessment, typology, or skill set can replace that fundamental willingness to brave the wilderness of human connection.
