The Challenge
Each time a
conflict arises, you and your spouse unleash a torrent of criticism at each
other. Hurtful speech has become so common in your marriage that it is now your
“normal” style of communication.
conflict arises, you and your spouse unleash a torrent of criticism at each
other. Hurtful speech has become so common in your marriage that it is now your
“normal” style of communication.
If this is
happening in your marriage, you can
stop the pattern. First, though, you need to consider the causes
and why it is in your best interests to make changes.
happening in your marriage, you can
stop the pattern. First, though, you need to consider the causes
and why it is in your best interests to make changes.
Why It Happens
Family
background. Many
husbands and wives were raised in homes where hurtful speech was common. One or
both spouses may be repeating the type of language they heard from their
parents.
background. Many
husbands and wives were raised in homes where hurtful speech was common. One or
both spouses may be repeating the type of language they heard from their
parents.
Influence
of entertainment. Film
and television comedies turn rude speech into a laughing matter, leaving the
viewer with the impression that it is harmless—or even funny.
of entertainment. Film
and television comedies turn rude speech into a laughing matter, leaving the
viewer with the impression that it is harmless—or even funny.
Culture.
Some
societies teach that “real men” are domineering or that women need to be
fiercely aggressive so as not to appear weak. During a conflict, spouses with
such attitudes may view each other as adversaries rather than allies and use words
that hurt rather than heal.
Some
societies teach that “real men” are domineering or that women need to be
fiercely aggressive so as not to appear weak. During a conflict, spouses with
such attitudes may view each other as adversaries rather than allies and use words
that hurt rather than heal.
Regardless
of the cause, hurtful speech can be a predictor of divorce as well as a number
of health problems. Some even say that words can hit harder than fists. For
example, one wife who was both verbally and physically battered by her husband
says: “I found the insults harder to bear than the violence. I would have
preferred that he hit me rather than say such hurtful things.”
of the cause, hurtful speech can be a predictor of divorce as well as a number
of health problems. Some even say that words can hit harder than fists. For
example, one wife who was both verbally and physically battered by her husband
says: “I found the insults harder to bear than the violence. I would have
preferred that he hit me rather than say such hurtful things.”
What can
you do if you and your spouse have let hurtful speech erode your relationship?
you do if you and your spouse have let hurtful speech erode your relationship?
What You Can Do
Show
empathy. Put
yourself in your spouse’s position, and try to understand how your words make
him or her feel. If possible, think of a specific circumstance in which your
mate felt that your speech was hurtful. Do not be sidetracked by what you really
said; the issue is how your spouse feels
about what you said. Can you think of ways that the hurtful speech
could have been replaced with kind expressions?
empathy. Put
yourself in your spouse’s position, and try to understand how your words make
him or her feel. If possible, think of a specific circumstance in which your
mate felt that your speech was hurtful. Do not be sidetracked by what you really
said; the issue is how your spouse feels
about what you said. Can you think of ways that the hurtful speech
could have been replaced with kind expressions?
Observe
respectful couples. If
negative role models have influenced your manner of communicating, look for
good examples. Listen to married couples whose pattern of speech is worthy of
imitation.
respectful couples. If
negative role models have influenced your manner of communicating, look for
good examples. Listen to married couples whose pattern of speech is worthy of
imitation.
Revive
the feelings you once shared. Hurtful
speech is more often a problem of the heart than of the mouth. So strive to
nurture positive thoughts and feelings about your spouse. Reminisce about
activities you once enjoyed together. Look at old photographs. What made you
laugh? What qualities drew you to each other?
the feelings you once shared. Hurtful
speech is more often a problem of the heart than of the mouth. So strive to
nurture positive thoughts and feelings about your spouse. Reminisce about
activities you once enjoyed together. Look at old photographs. What made you
laugh? What qualities drew you to each other?
Use
“I” statements. Rather
than verbally attack your spouse, express your concerns from the standpoint of how you are affected. For
example, “I feel slighted when you make plans without consulting me first” is
much more likely to elicit a positive response than “That is just like
you—always making plans without consulting me!”
“I” statements. Rather
than verbally attack your spouse, express your concerns from the standpoint of how you are affected. For
example, “I feel slighted when you make plans without consulting me first” is
much more likely to elicit a positive response than “That is just like
you—always making plans without consulting me!”
Know
when to stop. If
tempers are beginning to flare and speech is getting out of hand, it might be
best to postpone the discussion. Usually, there is nothing wrong with walking
away from a heated argument until the discussion can be handled more calmly.
when to stop. If
tempers are beginning to flare and speech is getting out of hand, it might be
best to postpone the discussion. Usually, there is nothing wrong with walking
away from a heated argument until the discussion can be handled more calmly.
