By Mr Five
I came from a family that loves beans we love beans so much that we can eat it, morning afternoon and night. My dad was a police officer, he told me how he almost missed a promotion exam, because of beans.
One day I was to travel to East. The night before the journey from Lagos, I ate more than enough beans. I boarded a Homer bus very early in the morning from Cele bus stop.it was fully air conditioned bus. We commence the journey like every other good people. No wahala.
We stopped at Ore to eat, the driver was selfish to drop us at a place where food was very costly. Apparently because the drivers are normally given free package. I had to buy things outside the fast food, I bought egg roll, suya and groundnut.
They were all bad combinations, couple with a glass of palm wine I used to escort all the things bought. After eating we left. .As we continue the journey.. we didn’t go for 15 minutes there was a serious protest in my stomach, the reaction was worst than the present south Africa xenophobia.
I was afraid to notify the driver to stop the vehicle to enable me to ease myself because of other passengers. At that time a man was preaching in the bus with anger as if he was doing it against his will. All his preaching was about hell fire, hell fire.
But the tension was unbearable I thought to myself which hell fire will be worse than this. I threw caution to air and shouted to the driver:”Oga driver,look for somewhere and park, I want to shit.
The Edo driver shouted at me:”your father..come force me to stop na, you no see toilet for Ore? ”
Every passenger in the bus was on me. some abuse my ancestors, some abuse my father some abuse my village. Even the preacher was angry with me. They ask why I didn’t do it when we stop to eat at Ore. But I was not discouraged, I shouted at the driver to stop. The driver said:” my friend shit am there.”
My younger brother, Sampo who was in the bus with me whispered to me, he said, “Things like this you convert it to mess.so you get some relief without causing any harm.” Base on my condition I bought the idea immediately. So when the tension was unbearable I raised Bombom as if I was adjusting my sitting pattern, I release the first silent but deadly mess. phew shhhhhhhhh.
Jesus Christ! it was the worst thing I ever perceived in the past thirty years. The stench was like gas bomb, highly choking and dark in colour, the air condition didn’t help matters as it amplified and spread the message around to every part of the vehicle..
The man sitting next to me by the right who was eating chicken looked at me, he looked at my brother, he smelt his chicken and said: “something is sparking in this vehicle, or is it my chicken that is smelling like this? These fast food people can kill person o”
I shook my head and said: honestly People are wicked stop eating chicken there.”
The man said :”You are right.”
He threw it away
But my stomach was not okay,I released the second mess concurrently in a double progression, it was like biological weapon. A little child that was breast feeding on her mother’s breast while sleeping screamed with terrifying fear as if she was chased by a dreaded Ogoni masquerade in her dream. her mother was shouting:” Blood of Jesus, blood of Jesus.”
Two passengers behind me started accusing each other of being responsible. none of them remembered me. Even the few flies that were inside the bus were flying haphazardly like drunken creatures.
Few seconds later the bus was like a mad house with quarrels amongst passengers.
They abuse themselves with their different languages
When I released the third mess, I started getting relieved. But like a spell there was abrupt silence. The preacher started shouting: “I can see there is a fowl spirit in this bus. if you know you are here trying to do the mandate of the devil, confess now or I will invoke fire from heaven.”
I didn’t mind about him because I was saving my life, so I released the fourth mess he started shouting: “Every contrary power that has been mandated to kill us in this bus, what are you waiting for die by fire die die die.”
It was as if the more I release the mess, the more it formed again ,so I release another deadly mess. The preach kept quiet and slowly sat down as if he was given a spiritual slap for try touch the anointing of the lord, he kept murmuring silently :” blood of Jesus.”
The driver suddenly held a sharp break and said: “where is that man that wants to shit I beg come go shit before you kill all my passengers you no get conscience, abi you no Dey go church.this na new motor wey company give me, see how you don change the scent.
I didn’t answer him, I went and eased myself, when I came back I didn’t see anybody in the bus they also went to toilet too..
So who is more wicked..
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